Vegan, vegetarian or vegasshole?


It’s hard to avoid it nowadays, it’s on your timeline, it pops up on Instagram, it’s taking over Netflix and you can’t even run away from it on Snapchat thanks to DJ Khaled. I’m talking about the new trending lifestyle: Veganism.
So in case you’ve missed the memo or you are too cool for Social Media, the vegan lifestyle is EVERYWHERE. From celebrities to YouTube vloggers, hide yo kids hide yo wife ‘cuz the truth about animal agriculture has been put on blast and the information is so raw and in your face that we can’t help but feel some type of way about it.

 

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So let me first school you on the many varieties this veggie lifestyle has to offer:

1. Pescetarian a.k.a hypocrite

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You love telling the world you’re an animal lover but you can’t stay away from the Skrimps with Grits and the Ceviche con extra limon. You have a dog or a cat and you probably wish you could have a micro pig as a pet. All animals are important to you ‘cuz Peta is showing you all these messed up videos that make you want to slap Jesus into people, but for some reason you dont consider fish to have feelings.

You have watched Blackfish and you totally hate SeaWorld though.

Blackfish

See the contradiction here?

 

 2. Vegetarian a.k.a The Veteran
 You are the OG, you’ve been in the game for a long time and you’re as good as it gets. You don’t eat meat, chicken or fish but you don’t say no to an ice cold chocolate milkshake and you always have extra cheese on your eggs, I mean you’re already skipping out on the bacon so more room for cheesy goodness right? But now, there’s a new sheriff in town and it turns out you’re not as OG as you thought.
Better yet, this new hipster be testing you and letting you know you AIN’T all that.

 

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3. Vegan a.k.a Hipster
You saw the light after Cowspiracy and Forks over Knives, probably because its on Netflix and you watched everything else there is to see(You ACTUALLY Netflix and Chill). You live on a plant based diet, which means no animal products no meat, fish, dairy or eggs…and yes you guessed right, uh uh honey. You are loud and proud and are spreading the word as much as you can, you’re the new Jehovah’s witness of this era. You see this as a lifestyle, everything you wear, use and breathe is cruelty free and environment friendly. No condoms, beer, sugar or plain old jell-o and you can’t eat the booty like groceries but hey…at least you can toss that salad.

 

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I’m just going to leave this here.

 

4. Raw Vegan a.k.a cray cray
You have no will to live. You are punishing yourself and I don’t know why. You follow a plant based diet and nothing can be heated above 116 degrees Fahrenheit/46 degrees Celsius. You’re batshit crazy and you cant sit with us.

 

mean girls

 

5. Raw till 4 vegan a.k.a Hippie
You eat raw till 4 pm and your breakfast smoothie contains 16 bananas. You carb up on vegan organic unprocessed food, you have taken up cycling as a hobby and Freelee the banana girl is your god.

 

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You’re a hippie, you probably hug trees and don’t own a tv. But your body is hella tight and sexy and you love to pet fluffy things *ahem* call me.


So now that we’ve cleared that up, lets get back to whats important: why are vegans so misunderstood?

Is it because of their disgusted looks whenever you declare your love for bacon or how they judge you when you stuff your face with pepperoni pizza?

drake pizza
‘Cuz pizza is bae and no one talks bad about bae!

 

Vegans aren’t quiet about what they believe in, they will make you feel like an asshole all day every day and they will take any chance they get to let you know so. Could it be that it bothers us how their arrogance makes us feel? As if somehow it feels like they are better than us?

 

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Maybe so, but perhaps it says more about us being so careless and oblivious to their message. Because lets be honest, every time you sink your teeth in a juicy burger or dip your buffalo wings in extra hot sauce you want to be blind to the repercussions. You don’t want to think about the 82% of starving children who live in countries where most of the food is fed to animals, while these animals are eaten by western countries. You don’t want to hear about how livestock and their byproducts account for 51% of all worldwide greenhouse gas emissions and how it’s the leading cause of species extinction, ocean dead zones, water pollution, and habitat destruction. You don’t want to know about dairy increasing your risk of cancer or how it actually makes you more likely to have Osteoporosis and break bones.

 

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But hey, yolo right?

Ps: This post is written by a hypocrite.

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